broken on the wheel

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19052301489293394442011-04-21T17:03:20.537-04:00broken on the wheeli am a sufferer of chronic depression. my wife doesn't want to believe it. my friends pretend i'm eccentric. where the fuck else am i going to talk about this?seething insidenoreply@blogger.comBlogger221100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-12335305213589943322009-02-12T08:52:00.004-05:002009-02-12T08:58:56.873-05:00Where oh were has the little one gone

With no preamble or excuses I come wandering back in to see if anything has happened here and find that nothing has. Not that this is a bad thing, certainly since I am wandering back in here to begin with. It's been and interesting time to say the least. I finally got to a point of almost no return and my wife, who finally woke to the fact that denying my affliction was not going to make it go

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-89136916135954375392008-10-15T09:15:00.005-04:002008-10-15T09:37:47.952-04:00do you see? no. you don't.

First, have a look at this image. It's some of my artwork:I created this from a shot of the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland that I took this past summer. At first I began to play with the image but after a bit, I started to work towards a specific look that I will tell you in a moment.What came of this image is something really interesting because it really illustrates the difference between how my

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-18682893211856189092008-10-13T07:57:00.002-04:002008-10-13T08:14:42.724-04:00requesting a pardon from the governor

i'm not doing well, as the topic of the post might lead you to see. every time i turn around there is another thing that attempts to shove my face deeper in the mud. i am seriously not doing well here.another bill is coming due and the threats are being made. the problem is that this one might be the one that pushes me into a whole new set of brackets.for instance:the unable to meet all the bills

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-45664881904304211332008-10-12T09:30:00.002-04:002008-10-12T09:38:42.557-04:00just when you think you might make it

god, i wonder sometimes just what you might be thinking. i wanted so much to finally be out of the woods, finally to believe that i might be able to handle this depression.then you come along, you with your mysterious ways and drop another big problem in my lap.i am so sad, so full of anexiety. i cannot take this anymore. i cannot.

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-89226656463128625782008-10-06T09:45:00.003-04:002008-10-06T09:51:16.249-04:00every story has an ending but it's the tale that is the heart

i went for a long weekend to the national storytelling festival down in t jonesborough, tn and i have to say that it was more satisfying to my soul than many things i have done to try to beat through my daily depression.i realize that listening to other tellers of tales is something that can really touch you right through to the core of yourself, bringing out feelings and emotions in ways and

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-37448833995562314052008-09-23T09:59:00.002-04:002008-09-23T10:09:38.409-04:00creeping along each day

it has been a little while and frankly, i am sorry for being away. i do like to hear my voice echo off into the silence. it seems like it's been forever but i realize that most of my days seem to take forever to pass, mainly due to the dread of the moment. i ache constantly for nightfall so that i can just go to bed, lay down and pretend that everything is fine. close my eyes.too bad I am having

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-77230664843479574122008-09-12T08:51:00.001-04:002008-09-12T08:52:58.755-04:00i wish i were so elegantly spoken

Radiohead - No SurprisesA heart that's full up like a landfill,a job that slowly kills you,bruises that won't heal.You look so tired-unhappy,bring down the government,they don't, they don't speak for us.I'll take a quiet life,a handshake of carbon monoxide,with no alarms and no surprises,no alarms and no surprises,no alarms and no surprises,no alarms and no surprises,Silent silent.This is my

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-1834020489395838802008-09-11T06:45:00.003-04:002008-09-11T07:10:29.025-04:00fear of the fire or the frying pan

last night and this morning have been very telling for me. very, very telling. as usual, the backstory helps. my wife went away for monday and tuesday nights (and wednesday day also) for training in her work so i was left alone with the dogs and the townhouse. this seemed like a really great thing, full of promise and peace and quiet. in fact, i used the two days for just that, spending the

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-84985350664502024242008-09-08T08:42:00.002-04:002008-09-08T08:47:43.352-04:00anxious for the dawn

i feel it, creeping down my spine. i can't sleep again because i can't stop my mind from it's wanderings, it's circular running round and round. the old hamster on the wheel of fears. mainly they are pointless and obviously so yet despite all that i tell myself this, i cannot break it, cannot stop it, cannot sleep. i am so tired this morning. so very tired.

seethinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16981363109386461503noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-89725050347453288762008-09-03T14:13:00.002-04:002008-09-03T14:18:05.527-04:00a damn yo-yo

so here i am on the other side of this morning, hyped up and moving really fast, doing things, accomplishing tasks and generally being good at being. slight smile on my face, cools stuff going on around me, good tunes on my headphones.the problem is that it will slew back the other direction once i get home. the dogs are there (they annoy the living shit out of me, by the way, but that's another

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-24974470109019149052008-09-03T07:07:00.004-04:002008-09-03T07:19:15.213-04:00so sad i can't think of a good title

i cried again in the shower this morning. just a few soft tears, quiet moaning so my wife wouldn't hear. she doesn't get it and would do the same pointless lecturing she always does. pull my self up by my bootstraps. that sort of shit.i am so crushed right now, so utterly sad and empty that it i couldn't even come up with an appropriate title for this post. i feel so tired that my face is about

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-80901002614237273352008-08-25T07:13:00.003-04:002008-08-25T08:56:09.148-04:00a cage without a key

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.- Elizabeth Wurtzeli did not have such a good night last night. one of the hardest of all things about depression is what it does to the people

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-90321579408267764212008-08-24T14:17:00.003-04:002008-08-25T08:59:08.787-04:00sunday on the wheel

i truly hate sundays. it's like standing at the top of a hill, looking down to the valley below and knowing that you have to go but realizing that the trip to the bottom is going to involve thorns, cliffs and certainly some sort of animals and insects.the amazing thing is that depression can take all the potential of a week in skew it directly towards negativity so that positive potential becomes

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-75334540669655225502008-08-22T09:17:00.002-04:002008-08-25T08:58:31.417-04:00fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-87194080591509766012008-08-22T09:02:00.003-04:002008-08-25T08:58:21.955-04:00where angels never wait

i am so sad today, so sad. i feel this little weight in my soul, this silent wish for quiet and peace.granted it's not helping that i'm listening to radiohead acoustic recordings (currently "no surprises"). it's a long way to tonight and i feel like crying the entire way. when is this supposed to end.i remember as a young man that i thought that if i could just make it long enough, thing would

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-69364752014423201172008-08-21T08:29:00.006-04:002008-08-25T09:03:07.306-04:00i've still got the burns

this happy hope, living in my mind, teasing me with what might be, what i lost and what i might get back, all the while clouding my reason, making me believe in myself as i walk towards another cliff.i hate hope, i despise it with a loathing that borders on visceral,waiting for it to walk back into the squalid place where i hide with its scents of flowers and its rays of sunlight. waiting here

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-36708923703181316412008-08-20T08:41:00.003-04:002008-08-25T08:57:45.983-04:00waiting for the other shoe to drop

since we're all about admission these days, honesty and transparency and all that, i have to be as forthcoming as I can when i try to describe the things that are inside my head. granted, some posts like the previous one are somewhat incoherent drama-fests that are the subconscious spewing of my soul when it needs a little relief. in this case, however, I came to the realization that there is

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-17033098382954701292008-08-20T06:52:00.003-04:002008-08-25T08:56:51.238-04:00building a better beast

feel it?there.just below the bones, the meat.i know.it's strange, still there after all this time.a slow, steady throb beneath the surface.boom. boom. boom. boom.steady, still dying but there.years ago i thought we'd seen the last of it,heard the last traces, lost somewhere in the mazes,wounded beyond all capacity to heal.the stains still color the stones brown.we killed it or so we thought, torn

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-3278527344095993152008-08-18T12:47:00.003-04:002008-08-18T13:04:38.476-04:00it is going to fall

sometimes the anxiety just eats at me and i cannot sit still, i cannot remain in control. it's like having a thousand little generators in my soul, feeding electricity into my fear, ramping it up to massive swells of power so that i lay there in bed feeling more and more like i need to run from my bed to race directly to work.or exactly the opposite will happen, dreading the time passing,

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-87008771990945478982008-08-18T12:38:00.003-04:002008-08-18T12:55:55.429-04:00echoing off the walls

and i keep on picking and scratching at the layers of this filthy heartwatching as the days go by and the scabs grow biggerinfected and sore and wishing for a cool bath but always seeming to stumble into the pools of peroxide insteadfoaming and stingingcrying and whimpering like a pitiful child, so weakthere's a song by coldplay that has the lines:"i know, i'm dead on the surfacebut i am

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-80474949914923633322008-08-13T13:35:00.003-04:002008-08-18T12:56:24.463-04:00questioning existence

so you've realized that this is not going to be one of those fucking feel good, bullshit, baby animal picture type places, good. wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.somedays, it's just like this. starts off sad and depressed and ends up being an anger fest. pissed off that once again it's come round to the same bullshit and tomorrow will be another day of fuckery and shit.why?don't know but I

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1905230148929339444.post-53942832820973697342008-08-13T07:17:00.002-04:002008-08-18T12:57:01.467-04:00the reality of today

i woke up this morning with the feeling that today might be the one. the breaking point. the final straw. the end of the rope.i stood in the shower trying not to cry, mostly succeeding. tomorrow and tomorrow stood before me, stretching out for years, filled with the same empty moments.i drove to work today, watching the traffic and wondering if today might be the day that the truck finally

seething insidenoreply@blogger.com0