Where oh were has the little one gone

With no preamble or excuses I come wandering back in to see if anything has happened here and find that nothing has. Not that this is a bad thing, certainly since I am wandering back in here to begin with.

It's been and interesting time to say the least. I finally got to a point of almost no return and my wife, who finally woke to the fact that denying my affliction was not going to make it go away, took me to see a specialist. After some lengthy consultation, he realized that I needed Wellbutrin XL since my problems seemed to stem mainly from chemical issues and not some deep seeded hate from a lecherous priest or something like that.

Started with the 300mg dose and got a LOT better but still felt a little off so went to the 450mg and, well, I feel good. Not miraculous good or euphoric or any of that but just good. Granted, facing the consequences of all those years of bad and destructive choices now threatens to overwhelm me but I can still see the light and maybe the chance to make it after all (throws hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore).

I'll let you know at some point. *hugs you*

do you see? no. you don't.

First, have a look at this image. It's some of my artwork:

I created this from a shot of the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland that I took this past summer. At first I began to play with the image but after a bit, I started to work towards a specific look that I will tell you in a moment.

What came of this image is something really interesting because it really illustrates the difference between how my world looks and how "normal" people see it, purely because of the different filters that they are seeing through.

On printing this out to full size (the image links to a much bigger version so you can see the details a bit better) I started to show it to co-workers and friends to see what they thought about it, how they liked it, the usual fishing for compliments and possible commissions and the like.

That's when I noticed a very strange thing that happened. Out of the 30 or so people that I talked to or that dropped by my workspace and saw the art, only one towards the end saw the work for what it was. The entire rest of them commented about how the image looked like I had painted it. 

It was the second to last one, a woman I sort of knew who nailed it and I really think that it is because she is depressed too although working here, everyone is so good at hiding anything like that so you'd never guess.

She looked at it and then turned to me and said "It's like I'm looking at the water through tears." She walked away and I sat there stunned. She was right.

What an amazing thing to have some one see what you see. But even more amazing and also making me so sad is the fact that so many others will never see it.

requesting a pardon from the governor

i'm not doing well, as the topic of the post might lead you to see. every time i turn around there is another thing that attempts to shove my face deeper in the mud. i am seriously not doing well here.

another bill is coming due and the threats are being made. the problem is that this one might be the one that pushes me into a whole new set of brackets.

for instance:

the unable to meet all the bills bracket.

the lost my marriage because of bills bracket.

the lost my car and house bracket.

the crazy, depressed, homeless man bracket.

it used to make me wonder just how it was possible that anyone might choose to walk away from everything and live in the gutter, hide in a fog of cheap drink and filth.

not so strange anymore. not at all.

i think I'm really losing the plot here. i can't shake the anxiety, can't wake from the fog, can't see a way out and that is really bad because the despair is making me consider things I really shouldn't.

at what point do you just say that it's enough and where do you go? i can't continue this life. i can't live with a wife that doesn't understand. i can't go to work where i can't talk about it with anyone. i can't go to bed each night with such fear for the morning. i can't wake up and cry to myself in the shower, softly, so that i don't wake her. i can't sit here in my cube each day afraid of the next phone call, the next email, the next person dropping by with something that i did wrong. 

i hate this, i hate myself and i am ready to go. today. 

fuck it hurts so much to breathe. 

just when you think you might make it

god, i wonder sometimes just what you might be thinking. i wanted so much to finally be out of the woods, finally to believe that i might be able to handle this depression.

then you come along, you with your mysterious ways and drop another big problem in my lap.

i am so sad, so full of anexiety. i cannot take this anymore. i cannot.

every story has an ending but it's the tale that is the heart

i went for a long weekend to the national storytelling festival down in t jonesborough, tn and i have to say that it was more satisfying to my soul than many things i have done to try to beat through my daily depression.

i realize that listening to other tellers of tales is something that can really touch you right through to the core of yourself, bringing out feelings and emotions in ways and paths you didn't really want to admit to.

in this case, there was a woman by the name of minton sparks (yes an actual link, i know) that had a style and subjects that really went straight through me, bounced around inside my head and touched me to tears at one point. i can't really explain and the video on youtube is not particularly good as it cuts thing up a lot. she's hard to find at venues but if you can, go see her and if you really can, host her for a night at a venue near you. 

you will be so glad you did. 

yep yep yep

creeping along each day

it has been a little while and frankly, i am sorry for being away. i do like to hear my voice echo off into the silence. 

it seems like it's been forever but i realize that most of my days seem to take forever to pass, mainly due to the dread of the moment. i ache constantly for nightfall so that i can just go to bed, lay down and pretend that everything is fine. close my eyes.

too bad I am having a terrible time sleeping lately. i wake up every few hours, sometimes soaked in sweat, my jaw hurting from clenching and a sense of fear in my belly. other times my eyes open as if for no reason and i am fully awake but still asleep. either way, i am starting to go a little crazy here with the lack of it.

the plus side is that i am being rather stand up-ish, not letting people take advantage of me at work, telling it like it is and really making progress on things. granted, it's not making me any more popular but i certainly feel better for it. fuck 'em if they can't handle it.

oh and banner day, i actually remembered a dream i had which is exceedingly rare for me and while it's topic is kind of gross, it is still a nice change of pace. basically, i was stuck in the middle of a large grassy area, unable to take a step in any direction as there was an inordinate amount of dog shit everywhere and i would have to step in it to get out of the very stinky field. 

it was a lovely sunny day, too, if that matters.

i'm sure the meaning of that one is pretty obvious so i'm gonna forego the easy interpretation. 

i wish i were so elegantly spoken

Radiohead - No Surprises

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silent.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.