waiting for the other shoe to drop

since we're all about admission these days, honesty and transparency and all that, i have to be as forthcoming as I can when i try to describe the things that are inside my head. granted, some posts like the previous one are somewhat incoherent drama-fests that are the subconscious spewing of my soul when it needs a little relief. 

in this case, however, I came to the realization that there is more in me than just a void or more accurately, an empty immobility of the spirit that is like being alive and trapped in amber to suffer until time ends. No, there is also a hope, a sick hope that lives there too.

i recently felt a pinch, something hard to explain, a pain in my chest centered over the area of my heart. it thudded along with the beating and the first thing that occurred to me was that it might be a sign of a problem. that thought was followed quickly by a sense of relief, a feeling of a little joy. 

realization that you are looking forward to dying is shocking to say the least. and yet it remains a small flame in the back of my mind that if something catastrophic were to happen, at least it would all go away.  the pain would stop, the bitterness would be gone. is this such a strange and horrible thing? why don't i feel like it is?

Combien est-ce que grand une étape est lui à aller de l'attente à faire ?