Monday, October 13, 2008

requesting a pardon from the governor

i'm not doing well, as the topic of the post might lead you to see. every time i turn around there is another thing that attempts to shove my face deeper in the mud. i am seriously not doing well here.

another bill is coming due and the threats are being made. the problem is that this one might be the one that pushes me into a whole new set of brackets.

for instance:
the unable to meet all the bills bracket.
the lost my marriage because of bills bracket.
the lost my car and house bracket.
the crazy, depressed, homeless man bracket.

it used to make me wonder just how it was possible that anyone might choose to walk away from everything and live in the gutter, hide in a fog of cheap drink and filth.

not so strange anymore. not at all.

i think I'm really losing the plot here. i can't shake the anxiety, can't wake from the fog, can't see a way out and that is really bad because the despair is making me consider things I really shouldn't.

at what point do you just say that it's enough and where do you go? i can't continue this life. i can't live with a wife that doesn't understand. i can't go to work where i can't talk about it with anyone. i can't go to bed each night with such fear for the morning. i can't wake up and cry to myself in the shower, softly, so that i don't wake her. i can't sit here in my cube each day afraid of the next phone call, the next email, the next person dropping by with something that i did wrong. 

i hate this, i hate myself and i am ready to go. today. 

fuck it hurts so much to breathe. 

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