the reality of today

i woke up this morning with the feeling that today might be the one. the breaking point. the final straw. the end of the rope.

i stood in the shower trying not to cry, mostly succeeding. tomorrow and tomorrow stood before me, stretching out for years, filled with the same empty moments.

i drove to work today, watching the traffic and wondering if today might be the day that the truck finally swerves to crush me. it wasn't. i was disappointed.

i sat down to my computer in the mostly empty work area, the quite noise of the air conditioning whispering a steady rhythm to the unhappy feelings that I could feel inside.

i held my head in my hands, waiting for the first voices of the day, preparing to put the mask in place and play the part of being just like everyone else.

i'm almost gone.

i want to leave behind the wondering, the whispers, the days and days of more days finished. the goodnights and goodbyes. the disappointments. the lost plans and forgotten dreams. the broken promises. the false hopes and cruel, crushing chances. the lonely nights. the angry wife. suburbia. traffic. cell phones. bills. republicans. minorities. oil companies. porn. shitty commuters. all of it.

i am the architect of my demise. the unbalancing of chemistry in my head.

i am the uncomfortable reality of depression.