Wednesday, September 3, 2008

so sad i can't think of a good title

i cried again in the shower this morning. 

just a few soft tears, quiet moaning so my wife wouldn't hear. she doesn't get it and would do the same pointless lecturing she always does. pull my self up by my bootstraps. that sort of shit.

i am so crushed right now, so utterly sad and empty that it i couldn't even come up with an appropriate title for this post. i feel so tired that my face is about to slide of and fall in a wet heap on the floor.

i haven't slept well in days, tossing and turning each night, filled with anxiety and fear and sadness. every noise wakes me. it's too warm. my head hurts. each night is the same. 

i wake in the morning with a headache and an instant surge of fear. this was followed by a slow and dull wave of unhappiness that kept building until, as i mentioned, i started crying in the shower. even now, typing about it in my cube at work, i can feel the tears threatening. i'm not out of it yet.

there is so much to be said for drinking oneself to sleep, i guess but for some reason i've not tried it. i just don't get off on drinking all that much really. used to smoke pot for a while back in my 20's but even that grew old. 

this has got to break soon. i am really starting to slide deeper.

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