where angels never wait

i am so sad today, so sad. i feel this little weight in my soul, this silent wish for quiet and peace.

granted it's not helping that i'm listening to radiohead acoustic recordings (currently "no surprises"). it's a long way to tonight and i feel like crying the entire way. when is this supposed to end.

i remember as a young man that i thought that if i could just make it long enough, thing would change. different town, different friend, better future. god would lose his hold on my guilty heart and i could actually enjoy something, anything.

but i look around at my life, un-fulfilled, no dreams, no plans. i don't like where i live, my family, my wife. it's all a sham, a false front that no one can see through and from what i've found, no one really wants to. we all look away from the unfortunate, the sad, the downtrodden because we don't want to be reminded of our own pain.

so i am alone in this as usual, looking through the dirty windows at the life lived on the other side. you go on, i'll be along in just a minute. no, not crying, just got something in my eye.

i've still got the burns

this happy hope, living in my mind, teasing me with what might be, what i lost and what i might get back, all the while clouding my reason, making me believe in myself as i walk towards another cliff.

i hate hope, i despise it with a loathing that borders on visceral,

waiting for it to walk back into the squalid place where i hide with its scents of flowers 

and its rays of sunlight. 

waiting here with a wooden bat pierced through with rusty nails.

waiting for that bastard hope to dare to enter.